Can you keep a secret?

I got promoted!

It was a 6-month process that could only be done “at annual review time” since it was an in-position promotion (aka Corporate America blah blah blah). The ball started rolling faster about a month ago. I created my internal résumé and had 3 interviews at the beginning of March. I found out last week that I got it!

I can’t talk about it until Thursday though, when it’s announced to the rest of the team. So, can you keep my secret?

You can now call me Manager Rein. Whoop!

My esophagus + Mayo Clinic

I had the dreaded esophagus appointment this morning at 7:10am. Fun, especially since it was in Rochester at the Mayo Clinic, which is 90+ minutes from where we live. Nothing like getting up at 4am.

But it was all worth it. I saw a very nice, knowledgable doctor who specializes in my exact condition. He was very attentive and truly cared about my well-being. I’ve never had a doctor spend that much uninterrupted, one-on-one time with me, not being rushed or glazed over. It’s amazing when you get great medical care like that. If you ever need to be seen at the Mayo Clinic, you should not hesitate!

We talked about my condition and medical history related to it over the last 7 years, including an endoscopy 3 years ago. He said my eosinophilic esophagitis (white blood cells accumulate in my esophagus, eventually constricting such that I can’t swallow, discovered and temporarily corrected during the prior endoscopy) could be caused by acid reflux and/or allergies. Both are hereditary in my family - my dad has terrible GI problems, and he and my brother are diagnosed Celiacs. I could have one or both problems - I definitely have reflux, and I could have Celiac disease as well but am just presenting different symptoms. He wants to narrow in and test me for both.

I have a 30-day prescription for Prevacid and will go in again on April 2 for an endoscopy to see if the cells are still present on a biopsy after treating the reflux. (Though he didn’t want a baseline, so I’m not sure how he’ll know what current state is.) He also ordered blood work for the Celiac disease, which I completed today. The final and definitive test will be a biopsy of my small intestine to assess if there is celia damage. As an added benefit, the endoscopy will help my eating/swallowing - he will dilate my esophagus again so that it isn’t as constricted as it is now. After the results are in, we will have a better idea of how to treat this since it will be/is a lifelong condition for me.

I feel really great about the care I received and am hopeful with this doctor. TTC is still on hold until after the endoscopy, which means no 2012 baby :( I know this is the right thing to do, but it just makes my heart hurt.

<3

An Update + TTA

I haven’t posted much… because there isn’t a whole lot to say. But here’s an update.

We’re TTA for the foreseeable future, for a few reasons.

• Insurance. Technically we could still be TTC as an unexplained infertility couple, just without medicated cycles, but I’d like to give a big fuck you to my insurance and not get pregnant. It might be hard to understand, but the mental break is nice. 
• My esophagus. For those who know me IRL, you know that I have to chew my food carefully or I’ll choke at every meal. I finally grew a pair and called the Mayo Clinic for an appointment. Until we get things diagnosed/treated/straightened out, I don’t want to get pregnant.
• The tattoo. I wanted to get one, and I didn’t want to risk being pregnant and getting an infection.
• Personal stuff. The kind I don’t care to go into here, at least not yet. The kind I don’t care to bring a kid or a baby into, at least not until it’s worked out. 

So there you have it. I’m not trying to get pregnant. It feels weird to say that. My head knows it’s the right thing to do, but my heart is confused, scared, angry, and hopeless. I’ve been at peace with TTA, at least I think I have been.

I’ve noticed a change in myself. Yoga, the tattoo, feeling more free and rebellious. In a way, 2012 is the teenage rebellion I never had. The stress of TTC was all becoming too much; 2012 is my release.

<3

Acknowledgement.

Today was the day. I am one in four. I am the face of miscarriage.

Acknowledging today as my due date.

Acknowledging the soul that is no longer here.

Acknowledging the frustration that I haven’t gotten pregnant again.

Acknowledging that I have no say in any of this.

Acknowledging that I never thought I’d be here.

Acknowledging that this is fucking hard.

Mind fuck.

Exhaustion.

Dizziness.

Hot flashes.

Headache.

Nausea.

Backache.

Sore boobs.

Stuffy nose.

Sore throat.

These are the phantom symptoms that are messing with my head today.  

The blessing in all of it, though, is that I’m ok with a BFN.  I have a girls’ spa weekend coming up in March, and I really hope to be able to get a massage (can’t if I’m in first tri) and have a cocktail or two.  Either way, I’d be happy.  It’s the first time in 19 cycles that I can say that I’m ok with not being pregnant.

<3

The American Dream.

We’re taught from an early age that if you put your mind to something, you can make it happen.  Set a goal, arm yourself with the information/knowledge/skills/relationships, and you can accomplish anything.  This is drilled into us as young children, school kids, college students, and worker bees.

It’s the American dream.  You can be a ballerina if you take lessons and practice enough.  You can be a firefighter if that’s what you find your calling to be.  You can be the next president of the United States if you put your mind to it.  You can become a self-made millionaire if you work hard.

I’ve learned two things while TTC:

1. No matter how “hard” you try, there’s no guarantee you’ll get pregnant.  Besides knowing your body and having sex at the right time of the month, you can’t make it happen like anything else in life.  It’s both depressing and gives me peace.  You can try and try and try, but at the end of the day, what happens happens.

2. The harder you try, the more likely it might be that you won’t get pregnant.  I have never subscribed to this school of thought; in fact, it usually upset me when people would give the advice of “relax, it will happen when you least expect it.”  We’re trained that if we put our minds to it, we can do anything.  I can only wonder if charting from the very beginning put a damper on getting pregnant.

It’s so counter-intuitive to all of the American values we’ve been brought up with.  And it’s frustrating as hell.

So, I’ve given up on charting, on OPKs, on fertility treatments, on monitoring appointments.  Enough stress.  Enough.  With a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, we really have no reason to believe that we couldn’t achieve pregnancy without the help of treatments.  So we’re going to try without trying and see where it takes us for the next few months.

If you know me IRL, please know that I am at peace with this decision, but it is still very raw for me.  I don’t want to talk about it in person, so please don’t ask.  It takes every ounce of strength not to burst into tears about this, and I’d prefer to keep my eyes dry for the time being.  I’ve cried enough this week for all of 2012.

<3

Taking a break.

Due to our recent findings about the stupid insurance, I cancelled my appointment yesterday and will just let my body ovulate when it decides to.

The whole insurance thing is really putting a damper on TTC.  I had been feeling burned out after 19 cycles already.  I stopped temping this cycle since I was going to trigger and possibly IUI.  I’m liking the break.

But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the insurance.  If it’s not covered, we can either rack up charges in our deductible or not pursue treatments at all.  The $750 I racked up over two appointments this cycle will most likely be covered by our HRA in our plan. So I’m paying OOP prices, but the money we have in our plan will cover it. But I don’t want to burn through our money in one or two cycles for the whole year, so we’re in a holding pattern until we talk more about it. Plus the expenses of pre-natal care and L&D when the time comes - it would be irresponsible of us to spend all of our health money on IF cycles.

We will likely switch insurance when it comes around in April so that we have some kind of coverage. We may decide to max out this insurance over the next three months and say, “EFF YOU insurance, see ya NEVER,” before getting on a more reasonable plan in April.  But until then, we’re going to take it easy.

And with that, I’m taking a break.  I’m done for a while.  It’s just too much to deal with, so peace out TTC, for now.

<3

FML

I think I’m going to cry. Like, tears are welling up at work.

I just logged into our new insurance account and read under Infertility: Not Covered.

And I just tried to look up by OB/GYN office: Not Covered.

Well, what the fuck is covered?

I’m so mad. I have an appointment this afternoon and was supposed to trigger. I feel like this stupid insurance plan is putting the breaks on everything TTC related.

Even if my OB/GYN isn’t covered, I can still go to them “out of network” and get 60% coverage instead of 80%. But that extra 20% of coverage all adds up… Not to mention no IF coverage AT ALL.

We are covered through Mr. Rein’s insurance. I can enroll in my company’s insurance later this month for an April plan start date, but that means going 3 months without IF coverage. And, the plans in my industry are usually pretty shitty in comparison to other corporations.

Seriously fuming/crying/pissed/helpless. IDK what we’re going to do.

I finally found my OB/GYN’s office listed as in-network, thankfully.

I definitely ugly cried at work.  And had lunch with one of my best friends and cried some more.  She is a god send, and I’m so lucky to know her.

<3